Who is this a-hole?


Thanks for asking! I’m a writer known for such intellectual pursuits as riding a public bus in a photo-realistic naked suit, spending an entire day covered from head to toe in sexual lubricant and inviting every Facebook friend I don’t know to dinner.

The degree to which I’m less rich and famous than Dave Barry, Mike Rowe and Joel Stein probably does not reflect how much less funny and original I am than they are. However, I need to stop complaining, especially in a freaking bio. I’ve had many career highlights that few writers can boast of -- such as throwing out the first pitch for a Cubs-Mariners exhibition game, appearing as a Howard Stern guest for my journalism and having this Huffington Post story written about me. (Oh, also getting sexually harassed by Angelina Jolie.)

If you do know my name, it’s probably because you have a good memory for articles that ran in Playboy that you seriously didn't want to take to the bathroom with you. I was the magazine’s resident stunt pickup artist from 1999 to 2004, the year I met my wife and had to stop or probably die alone.

You may also know me as the most popular humor columnist in the history of Sin City. "Fear and Loafing" ran 176 times in the Las Vegas Review-Journal from 2006-2011, and this Wikipedia entry about it wasn't even written by me. I washed the windows at the top of the Stratosphere, go-go danced in a gay bar and delivered a Sunday sermon as a Lutheran minister. It was a sort of Dirty Jobs thing where I sampled different occupations, except with humiliation and fear in addition to dirt. And it actually began two years before that reality show, at a Los Angeles newspaper, so if you're going to accuse me of ripping anyone off, it should be George Plimpton (with George Costanza's attitude).

But I seriously doubt you even know me from that, because most newspaper readers don't use computers. They are generally senior citizens who like to approach me in public to tell me how much they loved my column and then, when I invite them to visit this website, tell me how proud they are of never using computers. (“You see this?” they say, pointing to their heads. “This is all the computer I need, right here!”)

Also, you clicked on a link titled “WHO IS THIS A-HOLE?” So that kinda tells me something right there.

So thanks for stopping by! Make yourself at home, tool around my favorite columns and "ooh" and "ahh" at my abject self-degradation. I've suffered for my work; now it's your turn.

By the way, can anyone hook me up with Dave Barry, Mike Rowe or Joel Stein?